I spoke about this on The Jenny Gallagher Show: Your Wellness Coach last week and wanted to share some thoughts with you here as well.
The first thing I want to say about relationships is the most important one starts with you. If you do not have a good connection with yourself and cannot satisfy your own needs then how can you expect someone else to? Many times when we are having troubles in our relationships it is because we project our 'baggage' onto someone else. No one else can meet your expectations. Only you can.
Relationships do provide satisfaction and happiness and this can improve your physical and mental health. But the opposite can occur as well. We really do need each other to survive. At the most basic level we need another human in order to create off-spring. We also need each other to create food, shelter and to raise our children. If the unit (family, community, etc) is successful then the individuals will thrive.
So why do people struggle with relationships? As I mentioned earlier it is easy to project our fears and shortcomings on others. Instead take time to diagnosis your feelings and fix them yourself. Here are some examples:
-If you feel put down you are suffering from a lack of self worth. Can you begin to gain confidence in yourself so you do not need to feel put down? It's just a feeling and feelings come about from thoughts. So instead think differently. You don't need to confront the other person. Change the way you feel about yourself so you don't feel put down. Another thing you can consider is if there may be a change you do want to make. Maybe the other person has a good point and then you should be thanking them for bringing this to your attention. Or if a person continually puts you down it may be time to change how you interact with that person. You can create loving boundaries. There is never any value in taking verbal abuse from someone. Change how you interact with them but in a loving way.
-Do you feel manipulated? You could value freedom and feel it is being threatened. Again consider the feeling, see if there is merit and if you want make personal changes. If there isn't merit and this person continually treats you this way then its time to set the loving boundaries. Never be confrontational. It solves nothing and reduces you to their level. When you stay in integrity you can help others to get over their fears and hang-ups. Together you can learn and grow.
-Do you feel ignored, alone or left out? If so you are lacking in feeling loved or having a sense of importance. What can you do to change this? Can you start to love and lover yourself more? Can you begin to consider new interests and find ways to meet new people?
-Do you feel cheated? If so you may strongly value a sense of justice and you can begin to create balance by changing your thoughts and actions.
-Do you feel defensive? Your need for safety has been threatened. Is it valid or is your ego getting in the way. Usually all we have to do is recognize the root cause and amazing changes can occur. Sometimes when I realize it is my ego I sigh and roll my eyes (at myself). The ego can be our worst enemy; not the other person. That's why my first statement was about having a healthy relationship with ourself.
-Do you fell cynical? You are lacking in trust. Ask yourself why. Many times this can simply be a bad habit. Stop watching the news and attaching to the negativity that is all around us.
I hope that helps. All the best and live well.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Right Thinking - What is it and how you can change your world
Right thinking is a concept I talked about on The Jenny Gallagher Show this past week and I want to share it with you as well.
Every thought produces one of three possible feelings: positive, negative and neutral. Let's say you just found out you got a promotion at work. Most likely you will have a positive feeling in response to the news. Now lets imagine someone else got the promotion. If the news has no impact on you it is likely you will have a neutral response; in other words that thought doesn't generate a feeling. But lets say you wanted the promotion. Now it is possible that you will have a negative feeling and just like good feelings it can range from mild to intense.
If you believe you have no control over your thoughts and that its the situations in your life that make you feel the way you do then please read on. You do have the ability; the power to change your thoughts. The way you think is like anything else you do. It is simply a habit. That is why people respond to situations differently; they actually perceive the situation differently. While your initial feeling to a thought may be negative it is possible to shift and that is what right thinking is all about. It's not about being fake and not honoring the way you "really feel".
Its about taking control; you acknowledge the initial feeling and move towards something better. You are the only person that can make yourself feel good about yourself and your life. If you want to keep blaming other people and situations for how you feel you can but maybe instead try to practice right thinking for the next 21days. Here's how:
First when you have a negative thought take a moment to understand what is creating that feeling. What are you feeling? Hurt, embarrassed, rejected, sad, grief, ashamed, powerless, confused, cheated, intimidated, cynical? I found a great list of negative feelings at http://eqi.org/cnfs.htm if you want to check it out.
Second determine the root cause of the feeling. Many times if you are honest with yourself it is your ego getting in the way. The ego can be the selfish inner child and needs to be handled as such. Don't tolerate bad behavior. If it is the ego take a moment to shake it off and move on to the next step. If the root cause is something else like real sadness or grief it may simply take you time to heal. In this case care for yourself like you would a sick child. Nurture and be tender. Thankfully time does heal.
Third and this is the biggie. Make a conscious choice to shift your thoughts to something more positive. You can do one of two things.
1 - Shift to a totally different thought to just give yourself a break from the pain you are feeling. I do this all the time. I tend to be a worrier and if I stop and pause and realize these thoughts are not productive then I will focus on something else for a while. I will think of something that is beautiful or wonderful.
Worrying (and complaining) can lead you to in a positive direction but if it doesn't then understand it is a bad habit and you then need to replace the bad habit with a good one. You know you have a bad habit with a thought/feeling when it stays with you for weeks, months and years. Maybe its time for a change.
2 - Stay with the thought but think about it from another angle. If you are self consumed (ego) try thinking about it from the other persons point of view. With the promotion example can you feel happy for them? Or if you really can't manage that can you think about how you can move forward in a more productive manner? Maybe there are things you can admit to like you weren't really ready for the promotion anyway or it would have taken up too much of your time. Maybe you will realize you need more education or training or that you have a totally different interest. Use these opportunities to grow. Always try to feel good about yourself; this is a way of honoring yourself and living to a higher standard will make you feel better.
Again, for the next 21 days try to practice right thinking. Whenever a negative feeling comes up stop and examine it and then make a conscious choice on how you want to proceed. This isn't hard. I believe it is hard to feel bad and love to examine the challenges in my life from different perspectives. It allows me to see opportunity and to move forward. Be a creator and create the life you deserve.
All the best and Live Well.
Every thought produces one of three possible feelings: positive, negative and neutral. Let's say you just found out you got a promotion at work. Most likely you will have a positive feeling in response to the news. Now lets imagine someone else got the promotion. If the news has no impact on you it is likely you will have a neutral response; in other words that thought doesn't generate a feeling. But lets say you wanted the promotion. Now it is possible that you will have a negative feeling and just like good feelings it can range from mild to intense.
If you believe you have no control over your thoughts and that its the situations in your life that make you feel the way you do then please read on. You do have the ability; the power to change your thoughts. The way you think is like anything else you do. It is simply a habit. That is why people respond to situations differently; they actually perceive the situation differently. While your initial feeling to a thought may be negative it is possible to shift and that is what right thinking is all about. It's not about being fake and not honoring the way you "really feel".
Its about taking control; you acknowledge the initial feeling and move towards something better. You are the only person that can make yourself feel good about yourself and your life. If you want to keep blaming other people and situations for how you feel you can but maybe instead try to practice right thinking for the next 21days. Here's how:
First when you have a negative thought take a moment to understand what is creating that feeling. What are you feeling? Hurt, embarrassed, rejected, sad, grief, ashamed, powerless, confused, cheated, intimidated, cynical? I found a great list of negative feelings at http://eqi.org/cnfs.htm if you want to check it out.
Second determine the root cause of the feeling. Many times if you are honest with yourself it is your ego getting in the way. The ego can be the selfish inner child and needs to be handled as such. Don't tolerate bad behavior. If it is the ego take a moment to shake it off and move on to the next step. If the root cause is something else like real sadness or grief it may simply take you time to heal. In this case care for yourself like you would a sick child. Nurture and be tender. Thankfully time does heal.
Third and this is the biggie. Make a conscious choice to shift your thoughts to something more positive. You can do one of two things.
1 - Shift to a totally different thought to just give yourself a break from the pain you are feeling. I do this all the time. I tend to be a worrier and if I stop and pause and realize these thoughts are not productive then I will focus on something else for a while. I will think of something that is beautiful or wonderful.
Worrying (and complaining) can lead you to in a positive direction but if it doesn't then understand it is a bad habit and you then need to replace the bad habit with a good one. You know you have a bad habit with a thought/feeling when it stays with you for weeks, months and years. Maybe its time for a change.
2 - Stay with the thought but think about it from another angle. If you are self consumed (ego) try thinking about it from the other persons point of view. With the promotion example can you feel happy for them? Or if you really can't manage that can you think about how you can move forward in a more productive manner? Maybe there are things you can admit to like you weren't really ready for the promotion anyway or it would have taken up too much of your time. Maybe you will realize you need more education or training or that you have a totally different interest. Use these opportunities to grow. Always try to feel good about yourself; this is a way of honoring yourself and living to a higher standard will make you feel better.
Again, for the next 21 days try to practice right thinking. Whenever a negative feeling comes up stop and examine it and then make a conscious choice on how you want to proceed. This isn't hard. I believe it is hard to feel bad and love to examine the challenges in my life from different perspectives. It allows me to see opportunity and to move forward. Be a creator and create the life you deserve.
All the best and Live Well.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Financial Fitness
When you hear the word fitness do you tend to think of physical fitness? You can have a goal to be financially fit as well and you can use some of the same approaches as you would for phyiscal fitness. Here are some of my ideas for financial fitness:
1) Being lean can be a choice. It does not mean you are sickly or lacking. Instead enjoy savoring what you have, and feel full and complete. With food and spending if you never feel satisfied you are lead to over consuming; which is not healthy. Feeling full, or complete comes from making the right choices. For example you may need a car but do you need an expensive one? High end products are satisfying more than basic needs so make sure you understand why you are making your decision and then move forward. Having an expensive car is fine if you can afford it and understand you are satisfying other needs such as acceptance, prestigue or comfort to name a few.
2) Instead of counting calories watch every penny. Budget and stick to it whenever possible. Don't be implusive.
3) Flex your financial muscle. Just like building muscles in your body it takes repetitive behaviors to get good results.
4) Continue to learn. Read or watch shows where the experts give you advice. I like Suzie Orman and Clark Howard (on Headline News). I'm not a financial expert and like simple, logical advice.
5) Come up with goals and then save for them. If you want purchase a copy of my book Four Steps to a Better Life for $9.95. Create a plan first. It's motivating and provides focus. For more information go to http://www.gallaghersolutions.com/book.html.
6) Whenever possible save then buy. If you are mad at big business and banks for past indiscresions then don't continue to support them. Plus psychologically it's harder to pay for things you already have so you may be more likely to instead shift your focus to the next thing you want and your debt will only grow.
1) Being lean can be a choice. It does not mean you are sickly or lacking. Instead enjoy savoring what you have, and feel full and complete. With food and spending if you never feel satisfied you are lead to over consuming; which is not healthy. Feeling full, or complete comes from making the right choices. For example you may need a car but do you need an expensive one? High end products are satisfying more than basic needs so make sure you understand why you are making your decision and then move forward. Having an expensive car is fine if you can afford it and understand you are satisfying other needs such as acceptance, prestigue or comfort to name a few.
2) Instead of counting calories watch every penny. Budget and stick to it whenever possible. Don't be implusive.
3) Flex your financial muscle. Just like building muscles in your body it takes repetitive behaviors to get good results.
4) Continue to learn. Read or watch shows where the experts give you advice. I like Suzie Orman and Clark Howard (on Headline News). I'm not a financial expert and like simple, logical advice.
5) Come up with goals and then save for them. If you want purchase a copy of my book Four Steps to a Better Life for $9.95. Create a plan first. It's motivating and provides focus. For more information go to http://www.gallaghersolutions.com/book.html.
6) Whenever possible save then buy. If you are mad at big business and banks for past indiscresions then don't continue to support them. Plus psychologically it's harder to pay for things you already have so you may be more likely to instead shift your focus to the next thing you want and your debt will only grow.
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